Today is my third snow day of the school year. Two of them were during school break, when it is a bit quieter. But this is the second week of school so things are hopping and lots of events and meetings and workshops were cancelled today. But what I’m reflecting on most on this “free day” is how I balance or do not balance the opportunity to catch up on things and the opportunity to totally “chillax.” (I heard that word was overplayed, but I like it).
I woke up at 4:56am to the sound of a text message alerting me the campus was closed. This was followed shortly by a phone call telling me the same thing. I rolled back over to snuggle while Jeff snoozed. When he got into the shower, I got up to watch the news because it’s even more exciting to see that you don’t have to work, officially, on channel 10 news. And I thought I might go back to sleep after he left for work, at approximately 6:15am, in the snowstorm. Instead I snuggled up on the couch with the dogs and watched House of Cards. I had only seen one episode. I watched four of them while drinking coffee and eating oatmeal.
Then I felt bad that I wasn’t doing anything USEFUL, so I made a list of what I wanted to accomplish today.
*Paint touch up
*Schedule for play
But I really wanted to take a nap. Instead, I checked my email and my bank account, and cancelled my hair appointment because I was not driving to Dartmouth, where my work is, if I didn’t have to go to work. Then I decided if I was going to work out, I had to do it before lunch. It’s now or never. I researched a few moves from Boutique Fitness, where I work out a few times a week, wrote them down and did a hardcore 30 minute workout.
5 minutes walking on treadmill uphill
3 reps/30 seconds each of the following:
Followed by 6 minutes of abs and a 2 minute stretch.
Then I was gross so I took a shower. After my shower I needed lunch so I whipped up a tuna sandwich. I sat down at the computer while I ate so I could listen to a recording from work for an appeal I am doing. It wouldn’t play correctly so I decided that was a sign I shouldn’t be doing work.
I watered the plants. Some of them were desperate for water. When I finished, I went to cross it off the list and noticed that I hadn’t even put *water the plants on the list. Dammit.
I debated going outside to shovel or attempting to go to the post office and grab some food for dinner. It was still precipitating freezing rain. That was a out. Instead I went into my mother-in-law’s freezer, which we were supposed to clean out when they left for Florida, in October, and scored some hamburger that she will definitely throw out when they come back in May, if we don’t eat it. I looked up chili recipes.
Then I did all the dishes. There were a lot. We’ve been slacking on dishes the past few nights. Then I made the chili. Woo Hoo! Three things off the list! Actually four, because watering the plants should have been there anyway. Then I debated taking a nap.
I emailed my husband to pick up cheese, yogurt and wine or beer to go with my hacked together chili. He emailed me back that they were closing early, 4pm. (Sidebar: He drove in the snow falling at 1-2 inches an hour to go to work and then they close early so he can drive in the snow/freezing rain mix? What is the difference of an hour?) I looked at the clock. 3:00pm. it’s getting too dark to do the touch up paint so I talk myself out of that. That just leaves my blog and the play schedule. I check my email. The producer hasn’t sent it to me yet. Guess I’ll blog.
Am I insane? Can any of you reading this relate? I really just wanted to watch more House of Cards or Girls or whatever TV series I haven’t watched lately. I wanted to read and maybe take a nap. But there’s this gnawing conscience or should I say, voice in my head, telling me THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET CAUGHT UP! That same voice is telling me that chillaxing would be very, very bad.
I have some good friends and family who think I find it hard to relax. They are probably right, but when I think about successful people, really successful people, you know the kind who are doctors and write fiction, ON THE SIDE? Those people. When I think of those people, I think they would never lounge around with their hounds catching up on their House of Cards on a snow day. This is what I think. Do I even know anyone like that? Maybe, but probably not.
And I do find ways to relax. I love to read, but I don’t do it enough. I love to do yoga, but I don’t do it enough. I love to hang out with our friends and eat together or play cards. I find that relaxing.
I want to understand where the guilt comes from. I believe it is gendered, with some exceptions. I think this guilt is similar to the guilt that most mothers feel about not doing enough for their kids and thus sacrificing their own well-being because of it. But I don’t have kids, so I’m making a pretty big leap here. I just think my husband could care less if shit gets done. Not that he doesn’t do shit, but he embraces chillaxing wholeheartedly, while I worry about it.
So, now my blog is done. And while I was writing it, the producer sent me the schedule. So I guess now I can go work on that. Or maybe I’ll just go sit on the couch and chillax.