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The Childless Feminist

A few weeks ago I posted a link to The Current Conscience, a blog by LA feminist and writer, Yashar Ali (yes, he is a man!).  I Don’t Want to Have Kids.  There were 13 likes and 10 comments.  The article struck a chord with many of my friends, particularly those who are women.  It felt good to see that many women felt like I did:  frustrated, pressured and not valued for our choices. So for today’s blog I thought I would write down all the things people have said to me about my choice, my very personal choice, to contribute to society in a different way than my friends and family who have children.

“That’s the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.”
“It’s good you know you’d be a bad parent.”
“You’re too young to make that decision.”
“You’re not too old” (Told this at 42 & 43 years old)
“There’s nothing better in this world than having children.”
“Why?”
“But you’d make such a good mom.”
“But being pregnant is so amazing.”
“Who will take care of you when you are old?”  This question assumes that ALL children care for their aging parent, and this we know is not the case.
“Wow.”

I would love to have readers add to this list.  My sister, who is 28, and her fiance, are starting to feel this same pressure.  What’s frustrating about this is that she is 15 years younger than me, yet she is getting the same exact pressure from society.  Why do we continue to remain stagnant or even go backwards as a culture?  I also wonder if I would be questioned the same way if I was in a relationship with a woman rather than a man?  Is this compulsory heterosexuality at work or some other term we haven’t coined?  Compulsory motherhood?

Take for instance the recent debates about contraception.  Really?  In 2012 a hot button topic of the Republican race for President is going to be whether women should have the right to contraception or not?  It makes me sick.  Our Ophthalmologist recently told us of a study she read (she is the mother of twins) that the happiest people in U.S. society are actually couples without children.  Remember the term DINKs?  Apparently as much as people claim that having children is the “best thing ever,” it turns out the happiest people are those without the pressures of children.

Yet I remain proud that I have chosen, with my own free will, and in deep discussion with my partner, that we will choose to be a wonderful Aunt and Uncle to our nieces and nephews.  We will continue to value the precious time we have together as a couple.

 

Oscar Smoshcar

I posted quite a bit on my Facebook this past week about the sexist, racist tradition in Hollywood called the Academy Awards.  Again there were no women nominated for best director. Here’s one article I posted:
/http://www.salon.com/2012/02/25/the_oscars_woman_problem/

And in general, I got a fairly good response to the reality of how the Academy is made up of mostly white men who make all these decisions.  (Sound familiar?  Congress?).  What really got me thinking, however, was one facebook “friend” who felt like it was women’s fault for going to the types of movies that aren’t good.  The suggestion was that as consumers, women needed to make better choices about what they watch and that would somehow affect who wins for best director.  Huh?

I’m not sure I buy this one.  It feels a bit like victim-blaming and I’m just getting tired of women being blamed for a patriarchal institution that runs Hollywood.  I agree that we need more women producing movies and you can be certain if I made enough money to finance movie making, I’d be first in line sending my best friend, Kristen Vermilyea, a fat check to produce some feminist movies.  Certainly Tina Fey is putting her money where her mouth is and supporting women filmmakers, but there is only one Tina Fey.  There is only one Oprah Winfrey.  There are way more white men with money deciding what movies are going to be produced and what they will be about.  Our stories don’t get told because they are not the “everyman” experience, whatever that is. 

So while I’m a fan of the fun extravagant night where we honor the best of the best in any industry, I’m just getting too cynical and old to enjoy this event that not only hasn’t changed since I was a little girl dreaming of myself up on that stage accepting my award, but has seemed to take four steps back in any representation of racial and gender diversity.  I boycotted it this year and I think that’s my new plan of action for the future, until Hollywood catches on that women are over 50% of this world and deserve that same representation in film. 

And isn’t all this too similar to seeing an all male panel decide what laws should be passed on birth control?  The backlash against women’s rights is all too prevalent and present lately and that sets a sad tone for the future for little girls I love very much. 

Side note:  If this is an issue you care about, come to our showings of Miss Representation on March 1 and 28th at 5:30pm at UMass Dartmouth’s Woodland Commons, or downtown New Bedford on March 8th at 6pm.  “You can’t be what you can’t see!”

Aw PETA, Really?

My student showed me this ad today.  As the owner of 2 dogs and 2 cats, I support the fair and ethical treatment of animals.  However, using a metaphor of sexual violence to encourage vegan-ism is appalling.  Why is this being done on the backs of women?  Further down their page you will see http://www.bwvaktboom.com/Tips.aspx This provides tips for women on how virile their vegan boyfriends will be.  I just don’t get it.  And what is this trend of progressive or so-called good organizations (PETA, Susan G. Komen) either being just plain stupid in their marketing or not thinking about how their decisions will affect those who support their work?  Who is on their PR or marketing teams?  Maybe they should fire all of them and make some job opportunities for progressives who get the big picture and don’t believe that promoting violence against women is the way to promote not eating meat. 

Oppression Renamed

As I’m making the slow drive to New Hampshire last Friday to see one of my besties home from Switzerland, I am listening to the “breaking news” on NPR about Obama’s plan to allow ALL women to obtain birth control in the year of our Lord, 2012. 

In a political move called compromise, the President bows slightly to the right and instead puts the onus on the insurance companies to cover the costs of women’s birth control.  If you haven’t followed the story, a quick recap:  Obama wanted to give all women in the U.S. birth control coverage under their health insurance no matter who was funding that insurance.  Previously, if a woman worked for a Catholic owned (or other religious affiliated institution)  organization, they could set up the health insurance to only provide services that did not conflict with their religious views and beliefs. 

The compromise forces insurance companies, who are contracted with these religious institutions, to cover the birth control so the organization won’t feel as if it’s “religious freedom” is being messed with.   The outcry by bishops was all the rage that Friday as I drove slowly toward Rt. 3 North.  And this outrage was expressed soley as Obama messing with religious freedom, the very foundation of our country.

Hmmmm.  So let’s break this down.  We are forcing the Catholic Church, the majority of whose female members USE birth control, to allow insurance companies to provide this birth control. I didn’t hear any women complaining about this.  The only people whining on the radio where men who felt that their religious freedom was being called into question.  Statistically speaking, Catholics are also the highest percentage of any religious group to get abortions.  (I wonder if this is connected to their inability to obtain birth control).

I am very uncomfortable with the term “religious freedom” being used in this matter.  For me, religious freedom allows anyone in this country to practice whatever religion they choose.  It does not, however, allow an institution like the Catholic Church to supersede federal laws providing equity for the protected class of women in this country. 

And lastly, because you know I could really drone on and on about this topic, I ask when will the Catholic Church and some of these right wing fundamental organizations come in to the 21st century and realize that controlling one’s family size and fertility should be in no way connected to anything religious?  This is an economic issue and one that speaks to the very core of women’s equality.  If a woman is not allowed to choose when and if to have a family she cannot be considered equal. 

This whole topic is ONLY a debate because it lies on the backs and belly’s of women.  I keep thinking this issue of reproductive rights will be resolved in my lifetime, but as I add 43 to my birth years, I am amazed at how now we are pitting reproductive rights opposite religious freedom.  It’s time the male leaders of the Catholic Church step back and leave women’s bodies out of their doctrine. 

And while I am not happy with Obama’s compromise, I have to give him credit for actually giving a damn that women weren’t getting equal coverage in birth control.  He’s the first one to take this on and that itself is worthy of note.

If You’re Not a Feminist, Then You’re a Bigot by Gloria Allred

I happened upon the funny video “Sh*t White Feminists Say” and after it finished, saw the Gloria Allred video come up in the feed on the side and clicked on it. She is basically saying that feminism is  about human rights and social justice and if you’re not for those issues, then you are against human rights and social justice, making you a bigot.

I really like her comment dismissing “we’ve come a long way” in that we need to be looking at a vision to where we should be rather than what we have accomplished. But what is amazing to me about this video are the comments below it. My first question is, if you were anti-feminist, why would you even spend time watching a video about feminism? Why is there such vile hatred for someone working for social justice? The descriptors below her include comments like “cunt” and “I don’t think she swallows.”

What does someone’s sexual acts in bed have to do with their politics? Who are these people cruising You Tube and making random comments on these videos? Furthermore, the comments about humanism are also frustrating. If one is to look up the definition of humanism, it is “an approach in study, philosophy, world view or practice that focuses on human values and concerns, attaching prime importance to human rather than divine or supernatural matters.” It is more about being an atheist than being someone for equal rights.

I guess I shouldn’t be so astonished, in this day when a backlash against women seems to be clearer than the one Susan Faludi wrote about in 1992. A new documentary that is sweeping Women’s Studies Programs and Women’s Centers, Miss Representation demonstrates how little women are represented in the news, in the mainstream media, in children’s books and in movies. And when they are represented, they are depicted as female bombshells with no brains, characterized only by their supposed beauty. This film is also promoting DOING something about the lack of women. Their tagline “You can’t be what you can’t see” makes sense.

For this year’s Superbowl their blog promoted a #NotBuyingIt campaign where people could tweet their dislike of commercials that were sexist. The biggest offender so far is GoDaddy. I’m glad something is finally being done about this in a pro-active way, but those few followers of my blog know I’ve been harping on this representation piece for years.

Maybe I’m just starting to become old and jaded a week before my 43rd birthday. Maybe I’m becoming tired of feeling like it’s always three steps forward and two steps back. Maybe working at university means I’m always educating the same group of students year after year who come to me with the same cultural biases and brainwashing. Maybe change isn’t happening fast enough for my lifetime and I don’t want to die wondering if we’ll ever get an ERA.

But I promise to try to keep writing, even though once a week is clearly a challenge for this blogger. And for today, I’m with Gloria Allred.

Time is Short: Be Present Now

Normally I spend some time critiquing the latest attack on women or LGBT people in the media. And I am quite happy that Michele Bachmann has left the race for President and could certainly blog about that for hours. However, a colleague of mine died right before Christmas, out of the blue, and I am really trying to honor who she was by living more in the moment. This is always a challenge for me. For those who know me well, I like to plan. I like to make lists. I constantly make lists. I keep some for months at a time as I try to get to that one item that hasn’t risen to the top, like getting our passport pictures taken. I have the forms all filled out with our old passports in a nice file in the kitchen, but to actually make it to the CVS, looking presentable, hasn’t happened.

So for Louise, a woman who was the most professional, moral and non-judgmental person I have probably ever met, I vow to live life moment to moment. This, of course, is a constant challenge but striving for it alone is a Zen-like journey. I will begin to let go of what I want to do when I grow up, let go of my dreams of being a university professor, let go of my dreams to teach theatre, and just be here now.

Living moment to moment does not curtail one from setting goals and accomplishing them, but it enables us to take more joy in the here and now. When I did my yoga teacher training I learned that of all the thoughts we have every day (thousands of them), somewhere around 80% of them are about the past. About the things we cannot change.

And in those moments of anger, frustration, traffic, people who annoy you, it is easy to go someplace else, mentally at least, and not be there in the moment. It’s hard work and not anything I expect to come easy, especially to Juli “the dreamer” Parker. But for Louise, this vow I take in your memory. I can only hope that somewhere you have been reincarnated into a cat or a dog who lives with a loving owner just like you were.

Dr. Juli Parker on murderous women

Introducing My Book

Last November, my book, Representations of Murdering Women in Literature, Theatre, Film and Television: Examining the Patriarchal Presuppositions Behind the Treatment of Murderesses in Fiction and Reality was published. This anthology includes sixteen other writers exploring the murdering woman throughout time in the genres of film, literature, theatre and television.

My interest in this subject centers around plays about women who murder, particularly plays that I feel give the murderess a second day in court. Many of the playwrights I am drawn to explore how the “system” responds to these women. In a nutshell, women who murder are considered bad or evil or crazy, while men who murder are an inevitability, as in boys will be boys.

The book was published by the Edwin Mellen Press, a scholarly press. I make no money on the project until I sell 500 books. A former student of mine interviewed me for this video on the book as a project for her graduate journalism course. I was unfortunately getting over a cold at the time.

UPDATE

I wanted to apologize to my FIVE followers that I haven’t posted in a while. I was in the process of getting a new blog/website since finishing my 200 hour yoga teacher training and it didn’t work out. So with a fresh new look, I’m back on my Wednesday posts. I’m also happy to see your ideas for something to critique from a feminist lens.

The Big O

This essay was written for 2nd Story Theatre’s current production of Sarah Ruhl’s In the Next Room or The Vibrator Play, directed by Vanessa Gilbert.

The big O. For centuries, the subject of orgasm as applied to men bore nary a thought as it was expected as part of procreation. Even in the millennia this subject remains controversial and is often embarrassing for women. Many of you who came to see this play were embarrassed or even hesitant to attend. Admit it. Why?

Let’s first start with a bit of history. Yes, doctors invented this vibrating device to treat women with hysteria, often thought to be the womb or excess fluid moving inside the body. Yet this treatment was never connected with sex, as Ruhl depicts in the play.

The Victorian approach of men controlling women’s sexual feelings continued for years, particularly as Sigmund Freud’s work told women that young girl’s feelings in her clitoris transferred to her vagina as she passed into adulthood. Hundreds of thousands of women were then left frustrated that they couldn’t climax during intercourse. We know today that approximately 30% of women cannot have an orgasm during intercourse and this is based on simple biology. Yet somehow much of this information has not translated to the average women’s experience. Furthermore, we know that girls and women are not socialized to masturbate, leaving it up to men to figure out how best to pleasure women. Men are socialized to believe they have an innate sense of how to please women, even though they are not provided with a how-to guide when they reach adolescence, even when every woman is different.

Orgasm, Inc: The Strange Science of Female Pleasure, a recent documentary by Liz Canner, addresses the subject of FSD or Female Sexual Dysfunction. In this film, Canner examines two pharmaceutical companies who want to market a pill to women who have trouble achieving orgasms. These companies (not doctors!) have developed this term, FSD, to somehow convince women there is something medically wrong with them. What lies beneath this corporate ploy, however, is the lack of discussion on the reality of women’s sexual experiences and abilities.

The vibrator has been part of our households since the early 1900s when Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator sale. Yet using the vibrator has long been a secret and something for which to be ashamed or embarrassed. In fact, until recently, it was illegal to sell them in five southern states. I have been teaching a workshop called “The Female Orgasm” to college students for over 16 years. I am still amazed at how much they have bought into a somewhat Victorian way of thinking of women’s bodies. Most of them still think they are supposed to have orgasms during intercourse and there is something wrong with them if they don’t. Numerous college aged women are not familiar with their own bodies and cannot articulate to their partners what gives them pleasure. Many of them think that masturbation is only for single women. I’m certain much of this has to do with the amount of pornography available to them today (but that is a subject for a different essay!).

The good news, however, is that sex toys, today’s version of Dr. Givings electrical device, are generally well known and appreciated by many of the woman who cross my office door. Students sponsor sex toy parties in their dorm rooms demonstrating that while they might not be comfortable touching themselves, they are at least in control of their sexuality. And this is the crux of Ruhl’s play.

Ruhl posits that women must be in charge of their sexuality which is evident in the last scene when Mrs. Givings takes charge of her sex life. She instructs Dr. Givings and explores his body in a way she never has before. In some ways, Ruhl is turning the typical representation of women on its head by making Dr. Givings nude on stage. Mrs. Givings is in command and the implication is that she then too will be in command of her orgasm. Ruhl’s subtle, but significant message is that women must develop their own self agency and not let men control their sexuality.

If you haven’t seen the play, you must. It runs through May 29th.

my feminist praxis

critical reflections on my feminist praxis: activism, motherhood, and life

The Feminist Critic

Providing weekly critiques of theatre, film, books, politics and pop culture from a feminist perspective.